Part 2 of the coma trauma – Anxious, Afraid and Depressed

So here it is diary, part two of my fiance being in an epileptic coma. All I wanted and needed was my best friend who currently lives thousands and thousands of miles away. We were talking on the phone, she was helping me a lot, just hearing her voice helped me but I just wished she was by my side. Sitting in the ICU waiting room felt like a daze. It felt as though I was in some sort of vivid and positively frightening dream/nightmare. Could I not just click my feet 3 times and be back home in our new apartment binge watching friends?

My life felt as though it was meaningless. As I was pacing around the hospital the thought of suicide crossed my mind way too many times. I was thinking how many floors I needed to jump in order for it to be a quick death, and how my family would react. I was worried about everyone else except for myself. I was the one who needed help, my fiance was in a coma not knowing anything that was going on and I was here contemplating suicide and yet it felt selfish to ask for help.

I don’t know how I found the strength to continue and keep going. I thought of my family, my dog, but I also thought of how I lost my fur baby this year and how if I lost my future husband I had no reason to live. What would be the point? I am not me without him, he is my rock and my soul and I can’t go through life without him. It also made me feel guilty because I was thinking about all of the times I put him through so much stress due to my depression. He would never show it, but I knew how much he worried about me and It made me feel like I need to suck it up a bit more and be a big girl.

This whole situation was a fuzzy, surreal blur. It was partially not happening in my head. It couldn’t be. This sort of thing happens to other people, it’s the sort of thing you read about in the newspaper or some BuzzFeed article. This couldn’t be real.

After what felt like years, the nurse informed me that they had tried to wake him up after about 12 hours of being in the coma. It did not go as planned as I mentioned in my previous post, but around 12 hours later they tried to wake him again and he woke up, seizure free. For the moment.

Everything was very touch and go. I knew he was awake, but what if he seizured again? What if his brain was not ready to wake up. What if, what if and what if. Would he remember who I am? You always hear about how people who have been in a coma can have brain damage or don’t remember their loved ones or are paralysed. Despite the fact he had woken up and the relief in my body I couldn’t stop shaking. My whole body was shaking and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t even talk because my voice was shaky. It was crazy.

Part 3 to be continued in my next post.

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