Where to begin. On Sunday the 16th of December my life turned upside down once again. If it wasn’t hard enough losing my fur baby a few months prior, I did not think I would yet again get hit by such a snowball. Ironically it has been snowing a lot recently too.
It was coming up to Christmas, and even though I wasn’t having those usual Christmas feels I was getting by. I was worried about holiday weight gain and my bulimia, I was worried about my travels coming up in January to go and see my parents because I absolutely hate airports and have so many panic attacks there. I was filled with sadness because this would be the first Christmas without my fur baby, it was all just a lot but I was managing it thanks to trying mindfulness in which I learnt from therapy.
On Sunday the 16th December I did not expect nor ever fathom that something this serious would ever happen. My fiance went to a friends house for a party on Saturday night, he was so excited, looking forward to hanging out with the guys and catching up. I don’t know why and I can’t really explain it but I had a bad feeling about it and I didn’t want him to go because I felt like something bad would happen but I figured it was just my anxiety and over analysing that was causing it.
It was pretty late that night around 10-11pm when he left, and I decided to wait up and watch some movies since it was a Saturday, but because of my anxiety I did some anxious cleaning and organising and basically all those antsy things which come along with anxiety. At around 2am I decided to call it a night and told him I would hit the sack and to call me if anything happened. Keep in mind he has epilepsy so I am always worried when I am not around him, and that morning we had been putting together new furniture and basically celebrating our new apartment so I knew he was already quite tired which can be a trigger for a seizure.
Anyway, at around 4am on Sunday morning my phone went crazy with calls, texts, everything. I turned and looked and realised he was not asleep beside me so I went into immediate panic mode. I called this number which had been calling me and it was the wife of his friend who’s house he went to. She informed me that my fiance had been having seizures and the ambulance was on the way. At first I was thinking ok, this has happened before, I know his seizures and usually they stop after a while so it should be ok. They did not stop…
I rushed to the hospital where he was taken, and whilst in the emergency room I was fighting back tears and panic attacks because this wasn’t about me. This was about him. I tried my best to be strong and to be there by his side when he had partial wake-ups from the seizures. The doctors were administering the correct meds but nothing was making these seizures stop which was absolutely frightening to the point where I felt completely in shock.
After about half an hour in this emergency room he had to be transferred to another hospital to try and stop the seizures and to monitor him. I knew shit was getting real when these seizures weren’t stopping with the countless meds that were being given to him. Something was very wrong. We got to the other hospital where I was taken to a waiting room and was told that he would need to be put into a coma for a few hours for his brain to stop seizuring. Here it comes…FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK.
I tried to compose myself, and they let me kiss him before he went under because he insisted on that which was absolutely amazing, and I went back to this waiting room to compose myself and my thoughts. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know whether to call anyone and I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. About half an hour later the nurse came in and told me he was under and that I could go and see him. He had a EKG and EEG attached to him and they needed to monitor his brain so that they knew the seizures would stop before they could attempt to wake him. And they didn’t know how long this could take.
I was there from 4:30am until about 1pm when they told me to go home and get some rest and come back later because they would not wake him until the doctor had been there to assess. I didn’t want to go home, but I had to because of our dog. If we didn’t have her I would have slept there, but just walking into our new apartment knowing my fiance was in a coma in the hospital with status epilepticus killed me inside. I immediately got some cigarettes (I haven’t smoked for years) and just smoked and smoked till I felt numb-ish.
I was constantly calling the ICU unit to check on updates, but they told me the earliest they would try to wake him would be in the night-time. So I went back and waited once I had sorted out the dog and made sure she was ok. But little did I know the first wake-up would not go as planned. As soon as they lowered the anaesthesia he started convulsing again. My heart sunk and I wanted to die. How could this be? I lost my baby this year and now my future husband? I felt like a lost girl, I had no family close by, no friends close by, I was alone in our new apartment not knowing the language. I was scared and wanted my therapist.
To be continued in my next post….