It is now Saturday and I feel like these past few weeks have been nothing but tough, tiring and testing. The three T’s if you will. Trying and testing times indeed, and so many people say that when you go through tough times you end up becoming a stronger person, but when you have anxiety and depression mixed in, i’m not so sure they know what they are talking about.
It’s hard when people don’t fully understand your random crying, sleepless nights crying because of A) not being able to get to sleep and B) feeling so depressed and sad about nothing. Depression is a weird thing, you know fully well that you have a lot of things to be grateful for in life, you have food on the table, a roof over your head and a few friends, and yet in the pit of your stomach something just feels off.
You start getting that guilt because of feeling so lonely and sad and that is ok. It is perfectly normal. My therapist has told me that when I am crying for no reason and when I feel depressed without a pinpoint of what it may be about I should try to narrow it down and count all of the things I am happy for to distract me. She was also telling me about Mindfulness and how we will be working on that. I think it will help me a lot to be in the moment, and be able to go on a walk without thinking about things that have happened, might happen, and random worries that wouldn’t make sense to any ‘normal’ person.
I need to try to go out on a walk, listen to the birds, touch that beautiful snow covered branch of the tree, listen to the crispy leaves as I walk around and just take in some of that icy cold air without thinking about silly worries which make no sense. I am trying to feel positive and hopeful that I will have the strength and motivation to test these new methods and perhaps they will help, but as always when you have depression everything feels like crap and everything feels like there is no point. But there is. There is a point in trying and at some point we need to get out of this comfortably numb cycle.
This week has been so tough with getting work done. I am a freelancer, but a full-time freelancer where I work normal hours just from home. This has it’s ups and downs for someone like me with anxiety and depression, because you get into that comfortably level of not wanting to leave the house because you don’t need to. My partner goes to work every day living a normal life in an office environment. Sometimes I envy him, and sometimes I don’t. It depends on the mood, but at some point I do know that I would like to get to that stage when I can have a normal job.
I have started getting into a morning ritual where I make myself get changed out of my pj’s every day because I find that it does help a little bit, it makes me feel like more of a normal person rather than just lounging around in my onesie and working. It’s these small steps that will help in the long run. Depression and anxiety is hard, it’s a long and winding road, and I think it will always be with us, but we will find ways of coping whether it being medication or consistent therapy and practice. I am not sure if I will go through the ssri route again just yet, I am still extremely traumatised and I don’t know how it will go down. Let’s see.