It has been a while, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of depression

Hello my anxious unicorns

First and foremost I would like to apologise for the lack of posts recently. There has been a lot going on and yes I know it might not be the best excuse because life does happen for everyone, but hear me out.

First of all my beloved fur baby of 13 years passed away. I know he has been sick for quite some time, but I just didn’t see it happening so fast. It was day and night. I had taken him to the vet pretty much out of the blue because I felt it in my gut that I needed to. So the day came for me to take him and I can’t explain it but I had a feeling that it was going to be bad news.

This vet was by far the best vet I had ever taken my baby to, we were in there for a good hour and she was thoroughly checking over everything…his eyes, teeth, legs, heart…absolutely everything. I was extremely impressed but also very nervous.

The bottom line was that he was not a well pup. He was in a lot of pain and a lot of discomfort and told me I had two options which was really only one. She was basically telling me that I had a few days to decide whether I wanted my baby to go through many surgeries including leg, hip, dental, jaw and possibly heart surgery, or if I can just put him out of all of this misery and let him sleep knowing that he has had an absolutely incredible life.

I spoke with my partner, and many packets of tissues later I knew what was needed. It was THE HARDEST DECISION OF MY LIFE. No words can ever describe what it felt like knowing that I was pulling the trigger on my soul mate, my whole world and my beloved companion. I know it was for the best, but God it was hard. Hard doesn’t even describe it.

So as you can imagine it has been an extremely, extremely tough and depression-filled few months. I am still battling, still fighting every day and still questioning my life without him. I miss him so damn much. Every day I still think in my head “did I give him his heart meds today?” And then I remember that he isn’t around in the physical form.

It’s heart breaking. I am heartbroken and I feel sick. My depression and anxiety has spiralled. Thank goodness for my therapy because honestly, I don’t know what I would do without that and of course the love and support of my partner who loved my baby just as much as me.

My fur baby was number 1. He will always be my number 1 and no one, and no other dog will ever be able to take his place. He was one of a kind, and I know that so many people say that about their dogs, but he was special. Not only was he my baby, but he was my emotional support animal, my shadow, and the one who I needed when I was having a panic attack and anxiety attack.

Days feel so much longer without him and I don’t think it has completely hit me yet so I fear that the worst is yet to come. Everyone keeps telling me that I am being so strong, but I don’t feel it. I feel weak, frail, scared and wonder what the hell I am going to do without him. I never want another dog, I don’t want another dog because I feel like I wouldn’t be able to love them as much. We still have our other beautiful fur baby and I love her dearly, but it’s not the same.

I know that all I can do is fight on, stay strong and keep trying, just as you all have to too. We can do this <3

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