My second therapy session, anxious but good

Dear diary,

I had another therapy session this Monday, it didn’t feel as stressful as I thought it might have been considering it has been a pretty hectic week filled with so many emotions and stressful situations. I thought I was going to get those ‘omg i need to cancel my session’ panic feelings but I didn’t. Of course I did feel anxious, but also sort of calm knowing that I will be getting the help that I always wanted.

My therapist is a woman, and I feel like I may have needed a woman therapist when I did therapy before but I had a man and It somehow feels a lot different with a woman. She is very kind, and it feels as though she genuinely cares about my issues. We went through my anxiety and depression test that I had to take before starting, and my anxiety is in the highest level, and my depression is in the second from highest level. It made me feel really emotional, for some reason whenever I hear that word depression being directed at me it feels like someone has stabbed me in the stomach. It’s like I am still in denial about having it because I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be one of those people and yet that is the harsh reality.

The positive thing is that I will be getting help, and my therapist told me that it will be intense so it might be a good idea to ask my doctor for some anti-anxiety medications because it could get bumpy. I told her about the whole lexapro ordeal and she felt really sad that I had to go through that, especially since I was so nervous about starting them and then I had to have extremely bad side effects from them. It was the perfect storm. But anyway, I will book in an appointment with my doctor soon and see if I can try out some sort of medication like xanax which I wouldn’t have to take every day but perhaps only on days where I am having therapy or feel like a panic attack is on the way.

I think good things will be coming my way, it’s really time to focus on myself and getting my mental health where it needs to be. I am going to try and force myself to go for a run today because I still haven’t been able to do that even though I promised myself that I would. It’s just taking that first step. But that is what life is always about, those first steps and then once they have been taken the second step seems a lot less steep. I can do this, I can do this.

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