The struggle is always real with anxiety

Dear diary,

I don’t care what anybody says, you can never fully cure anxiety or depression. There are no medications, no amount of therapy sessions, and no mystical voodoo shit that will ever fully cure this curse. It’s something that unfortunately many of us will be riddled with forever and it is messed up. So messed up. There is nothing more important than having your health, and to be honest I think I truly learnt this from what I went through when taking those poisonous anti-depressants. They showed me that no matter how dark things may seem, they can definitely get a whole lot darker. I wish that there was just one single magic pill that would take away everyone’s pain in this world but of course I know that is definitely not realistic.

As you can probably tell I am frustrated. I am so frustrated with not being normal and not being able to do anything about it. It sucks. Why can’t we all just be wired as we are meant to be. I find myself constantly browsing instagram posts and following pages promoting healthy minds and ways to deal with the daily struggles of mental health but there is nothing that will cure it and this is what frustrates me. I want to be able to just walk into a coffee shop and order my drink without feeling rushed for no reason or get embarrassed for saying the wrong drink because I feel under pressure. I want to be able to make plans with potential friends and keep them rather than make plans and dread the day they come. I want to be able to travel on an airplane and not get constant anxiety up until that day of travel and then suffer panic attacks whilst at the airport. Is this so much to ask for?

I know I am not alone in this struggle, so I shouldn’t feel alone, but it’s just not fair for any of us to have to deal with this, especially the people that have to deal with this alone. It’s sad. One thing I am trying to remain positive about is the fact that I am starting my therapy sessions and trying to eat as healthy as possible, get more exercise, go out more and try to work on my mental health as much as possible. It feels like such a tremendous mountain that I need to climb but I know it is possible if I put my mind to it. I also know that there will of course be days where I just want to lay in bed and watch friends whilst eating a tub of Haagen Daz, but that is also ok because no matter how smooth the road may seem, there will always be twists and turns because that is life.

I will try to applaud myself each morning I wake up and get out of bed because in my book that is a battle I fought for, and I will applaud myself on every day I get out of the house for more than 10 minutes a time, and I will applaud myself every day for fighting the anxious and depressive feelings that come along because all of these are reasons in why I am a fighter and why I am enough. We can’t cure our illness, but we can certainly fight each and every day for a better day.

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