Day 2 of meds – What hell I went through

Dear diary,

So, day 2 of taking lexapro was absolute hell to put it lightly. I woke up crying my eyes out wishing I was normal, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to become normal from just taking 1 pill so I decided to give the second dose a try. What a mistake that was. Just a few hours after it kicking in my brain and whole being was in full on panic mode. I felt dizzy, nauseous, anxious, frequent panic attacks and I saw the deepest and darkest depression that I had ever witnessed. I was in the bathroom crying to my partner saying “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this”.

I had visions of myself dying and what my family would say, it was all so darn scary and I can’t believe these pills are supposed to help. I did know that some of the side effects were dizzy spells, feeling unbalanced, and your depression and anxiety can become a little heightened, but I felt it in my gut that something was going wrong here. My partner called a hotline and asked what we should do because I was shaking uncontrollably and could not calm down. Thank god for xanax is all I can say. If It wasn’t for me taking a xanax I don’t know what could have happened and I had visions of myself being locked up in a psych ward. Everything was so dark and so scary and I had absolutely no control over it. The nurses on the hotline told my partner that it is unusual to have such effects from the 2nd dose, and it could mean that my serotonin is extremely unbalanced but I should continue to take them and the side effects would get better. This was hard to swallow because I knew I did not want to take another pill the next morning. I just wanted this poison out of my body.

The next day I didn’t take a pill and I called my Dr immediately. I told him what was going on and thank goodness he put my mind at rest and told me to stop because there is clearly a bad reaction going on and I should not be having such terrible side effects from the second day. He told me that I should begin my therapy and take it from there, and he mentioned that usually when you have such severe anxiety as I do, whenever a foreign substance enters your body your anxiety can go in overdrive thus making everything 100 times worse. And I believe that is probably what happened.

One good thing that came from this experience was that I actually witnessed what real dark depression is like. It made me bawl my eyes out thinking of all the poor people who have to go through this alone every single day. I thank God for having my partner who helped me get through this because if he wasn’t home that day I honestly don’t know what would have been. This experience has made me want to take my depression and anxiety even more seriously. This is real, and things can get dark if you don’t take it seriously and actively do things to help yourself even on those days where you want to just lay under the covers and watch friends all day because the world seems like a dark place.

I truly feel for those fellow anxious and depressive unicorns out there. We are all fighters. Everyday is a battle for us, and every morning is a new struggle and fight, but always remember that we are stronger than we think, and there are so many people out there in the exact same position as us fighting the same fight. So smile at those who seem to be in a bad mood because you don’t know what they are going through in their mind, and one smile can cause a chain reaction. You could make that persons day just by saying hello or giving a friendly smile. Depression is dark, depression is excruciating and most of all, depression is worldwide. It’s nice to see that in 2018 mental health has sort of taken off and people are becoming much more aware of the world surrounding mental health. We can do this fellow unicorns, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark that tunnel may be, there is always a light even if it seems to be far, far away. It is there.


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