Starting depression meds after waiting way too long

Dear diary,

the plank has been walked and I am diving in, finally giving in to medication to try and fix my mood and my brain. I went on my trip to see my family and when I came back I felt at an all time low. It feels as though this may be my absolute rock bottom, I don’t know exactly what triggered it, It may have been the goodbye’s or the fact that everything felt so perfect whilst on holiday where everyone was in a good mood, my parents were loving and fun, and my bond with my sister grew even more.

I had previously thought that when I came back from holiday I would start the antidepressants, but a part of me was still in denial about it. After realising just how low I could go, it was time to make a change and try to help myself. So here I am, day 2 of lexapro and I feel lousy. Day 1 was filled with nausea, headaches, crying and wondering why me? Why do I have to be the one to take medication? Why can’t I be normal? And day 2 so far, woke up struggling to get out of bed, my alarm went off and I just wanted to carry on sleeping for hours with my head embedded under the covers. My fiance was struggling, I could see him breaking inside and it kills me and yet there is nothing I can do. It sucks when you see how this illness affects people around you because they feel so helpless and yet you feel even more helpless.

I managed to get out of bed and turn my laptop on with the help of my dog, I had to be persuaded to take my second dose because I had a burst of denial and didn’t want to have to go through the side effects again, but here I am, I did it. It isn’t even mid-day yet and I have a headache and feel extremely tired. I just hope the only way is up from here.

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