My upcoming travelling and constant anxiety

Dear diary,

So it’s coming up to the time where I am going to be travelling on an airplane and as usual I have that constant anxiety niggling in the pit of my stomach and every inch of my body. I hate it. As soon as I booked the ticket I immediately wanted to cancel it just from the horrible rush of anxious adrenaline that filled my whole body and made me feel sick. I booked it around 4 months ago and now is the final countdown to that day as I have only 5 days left till it becomes a reality. I am excited for the initial holiday since I will get to see my parents and family, but I wish I could just blink my eyes and be there rather than go through the whole travel process.

I am not afraid of planes and I am not afraid of flying, the thing that I absolutely hate and the root of all of these emotional feelings is the whole getting to the airport, checking in, waiting in a long queue through security trying to look normal even though my heart is beating out of my chest, finding the right gate and calculating the amount of time I need to get to the gate and then worrying about if I should eat anything before the flight incase I have a case of self-induced nausea from overthinking. It’s just a whole lot of worry and a whole lot of anxiety. I do have xanax to get me through it, but since I only use them for travelling it’s hard to think that they will make me feel ok and they will take the edge off and make me feel like a normal traveller before having taken them.

I am constantly taking those deep and long breaths every time I think about the day since it is just around the corner. Why can’t I just enjoy each day as it comes and not consistently worry about the future. Why can’t I be like every normal person in that airport who doesn’t have to deal with anxiety about getting through security and finding their gate and having enough time to walk around to calm down a little. Maybe other people do feel like this, i’m pretty sure there must be fellow anxious travellers but if only there was a designated place we could all go to at the airport and get through the ordeal together. That would be the dream right?

My plan is to do what I usually always do, make a checklist of each step of the way. Step 1 – getting to the airport with the taxi, step 2 – checking in, step 3 – getting through security without having a panic attack because of the 100 other people waiting in line getting hot and sweaty and feeling like i’m going to have a panic attack, step 4 – find out where my gate is and how long it takes to get there, step 5 – board the plane and sit in my seat and not get up for 4 hours. Once that last step is done I will feel much more happy, I will feel like I beat anxiety once again and I CAN do it. For so many people this may seem like a pathetic scenario, but for those of us who find travelling the epitome of hell and a panic attack waiting to happen, just keep telling yourself you can do it because you can, and I can.

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