It’s coming up very close to the time when I go for my very first therapy session in a new country. There are so many different feelings going on, and I feel like it couldn’t come at a better time. I am pmsy, grouchy, angry, and constantly crying about nothing. It was just my birthday the other day and it made me tip over the edge because im living in a new country therefore have no friends to really celebrate with apart from my partner who did the utmost to make me have a fantastic day. Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing just spending my 26th with him, but I couldn’t help feeling that I was still a little bit lonely knowing that I didn’t have a friend to call up and say come over let’s have some wine, or let’s meet up for a drink.
Birthday’s are always hard I think, for everyone. It’s another year of your life gone by, you are getting older and start to question more and more what are you doing with your life. I still have no idea. I have no idea of who I am, what sort of person I am, and what I want to do in my life. If someone asked me what my hobbies and interests are I honestly wouldn’t have an answer. My animals are my hobby pretty much, and staying home with anxiety. If I didn’t have my amazing partner I think I would still be living at home with all of these emotions being locked up inside of me, but the fact that I am a ‘free’ woman away from home and get to be myself I started to realise that every day isn’t actually happy even if there is a smile plastered on my face. It’s weird how leaving the bird cage can really change you. Is it better now that I know my true issues? Or was it better living a lie and keeping everything bottled up? Would I have completely burst at some point?
I did always have extreme anger issues living at home, I would scream, shout, drive off at 60mph and be a very angry person. I would go out, get drunk and want to start fights, I had this urge for someone to start on me so I would get the chance to let out everything. That was never the case though because I am a nice person, no one wanted to fight me or start on me. It’s strange. It’s a very strange feeling because I miss living at home, or I more so miss the fact that being a child was easier. I felt like I had less worries but more hidden emotion. I don’t know what is best, but I do know that I have grown into a strong person because every day I am fighting to see the sunlight, fighting to get up and ready for the day, and fighting to find something to feel happy about and not beat myself up.